Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I am going to be baptized soon. I started attending a church near my home at the beginning of this year and I am joining by baptism. I made the decision in August and although I was not sure how quickly things would progress I did expect it to happen very soon after that. The pastor has had a leg injury and wanted more time to make sure he could shift my weight, and the weight of others. I do think he said there were others that wanted to be baptized as well. It has not been a problem to wait. As the past month or so has gone by though, I have begun to think it was truly for the best. I have not changed my mind. I want it more. It means more.

In a past blog about my joining by baptism I talked a bit about how I have been saved for about 10 years; that I have been a Christian for 10 years. Now that almost feels like a lie. I have believed in God and I have believed that Jesus died for my sins, but have I really cared? In that past blog and another I also mentioned what I call “tweaking.” Tweaking is to ignore certain parts of the Word or “tweak” them to make them suit you and your lifestyle or to simply be agreeable with someone else’s so as not to be uncomfortable. A huge example of tweaking on my part, and I am sure of many people, has been to allow certain things in my life that I do feel and know are wrong, but justify these “small guilty pleasures” with the fact that I feel I am a good person and I do these other nice things in my life, and so it balances out. As Candace Cameron Bure said in her speech from the Extraordinary Women Conference this year, this adds up to you as a good person by the world’s standard; not God’s; and that when we compare our sin to the standard of the world we all come up reasonably clean, but when we compare our sin to God’s law and God’s standard we find that we are filthy dirty. Candace also mentions the fact that so many of us have this God created in our minds that is an all forgiving God and basically that if we are decent and good people (again, by the world’s standard) then we will not be sent to Hell. She uses an example of a person that has committed a crime and is awaiting sentencing from a judge. This person cannot say they are sorry and be on their way. No, they have to pay for their crime. If God is a just and truthful God then you should be punished for your sins as it has been said, and punishment is Hell. But God is a loving God. He made it possible for us to be forgiven through Jesus Christ. Jesus paid for your crimes. Candace’s speech really touched me and I feel like I have so much more in common with her now than I would have ever imagined before. I also did not grow up in a Christian home. I also felt for most of the past 10 years that church was not especially necessary because I can talk to God anytime. I also justified some of my actions with the fact that I felt I was a better person than so and so, and at least I was not doing this and that. I was comparing myself to others to help determine my actions instead of to Jesus as I should do as a Christian. The list goes on and on. Everyone should listen to Candace’s testimony; it is worth the time. The videos are posted on this blog of mine:

http://ladyworpledinker.blogspot.com/2009/09/extraordinary-women-conference-2009.html

So, yes; I accepted Jesus into my heart those 10 years ago. I asked for forgiveness of my sins. I left out the biggest parts all this time though. I did not truly repent of my sins. I did not turn away from my sins and avoid the temptation of them. I did not seek out a closer relationship with God. I did not learn more about God and about Jesus. I basically stayed the same, just the same me with a pretty label stuck on; Christian.

For 10 years I have claimed to be a Christian, yet I know next to nothing of the Bible. I have started it before, but have never gotten very far; and that has been starting with the Old Testament. I have recently been learning; I have actually been seeking to learn. I am loving it and continue to be amazed by what I find. The apostle Paul intrigues me. I now know that “The Gospels” are four different viewpoints on the life of Jesus. I still do not know how Jesus came to be on that cross for us. How does a true Christian go 10 years without knowing that or without at least wanting and striving to find out? Should a Christian not yearn to learn more about this Jesus that was sent to save them? It is a huge deal. It is the biggest deal. It is what life after death holds in store for us. It is eternity. I have thought about it more at length and I also question how we got to this point; to this claiming to be Christians when we don’t even know our Bible; the greatest source of how and why to be a Christian. When you choose a career path; let us use a doctor as an example, you learn how to be a doctor. You study and you learn how to be a doctor and how to do things required of a doctor. Should it not be along the same lines when you become a Christian? You study and you learn how to be a Christian and how to do the things that a Christian should do. “Doctor” is not just a label. A doctor took the time and the dedication and the effort required to become a doctor. Should we not do the same as Christians? Once a person becomes a doctor; what they learn is what they do and they use that knowledge to help themselves and others. How often do Christians learn but then don’t use what they have learned to help themselves or others?

When the pastor at the church I am attending and joining came to visit Robert and I at our house; Robert asked about Bible versions. I have really wanted to read the Bible in its entirety in the past year, but have struggled with what I should be reading. As I have said before, I am done with my tweaking and I do not want to simply read what I am most comfortable with and what suits me best personally, I want to read what is right. I have a New Living translation that was given to me as a gift and I have a King James Version, which I am sure was a gift as well, but I cannot remember from where; it is pink! Here comes the problem and the controversy. I can understand when reading the New Living and I cannot understand when reading the King James. I have heard time and time again that the newer translations are dangerous and change God’s Word and that the King James is the only one anyone should ever read. The pastor let us borrow a book called, “How We Got the Bible” by Neil R. Lightfoot. I have just recently finished it. I made 21 pages of notes, front and back. There is such an abundance of information in this book; I cannot even begin to explain to you in the way I want to. This book came at a time when I needed it most; I feel it is a God send and that He wanted to help me figure it out so that I can continue to grow closer with Him by reading the Word and understanding it. One of the coolest things I have learned about the Bible is the solid foundation it stands on. Jesus promised that His words would not pass away and there is much evidence that can be observed to show that this has been true. There is a massive quantity of ancient textual documents that have been discovered over the centuries, in the thousands, in reference to our Bible. The Bible is questioned, yet there are many classical writings that have never been questioned and they only survive by a handful of manuscripts. The quality of the materials found on the Bible text is also amazing. The majority of ancient writings are preserved based on text copies that are far from the date of their original composition, but this is not the case with the New Testament text. The Bible has been passed down through the centuries through written copies and when looking at the great amount of text there is to compare from different times and in different languages, you can see that great care was taken when doing so. The early Bibles were not in English, but in Latin, and the right of the common man to have his Bible in his own language was fought for. The first English translation of the complete Bible was done in about 1382 by a man named John Wycliffe. This version was based on the Latin Vulgate, however, which is a translation itself. William Tyndale was the first to create an English translation based on the original Greek and Hebrew languages of the Bible. His translations were not welcomed and he was an exiled man, imprisoned, and eventually burned at the stake. Tyndale established that the Bible should not only be in the language of the scholars but also in the language of the people. He helped give to us many cherished expressions such as, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock,” “daily bread,” and “only begotten son.” Other translations and revisions followed his and were based on his, one of them being a Bible that Shakespeare used, of the Jamestown settlement in Virginia, and the one brought to Plymouth on the Mayflower. In 1604 King James summoned a meeting of representatives of diverse religious groups to discuss the question of religious toleration, where the possibility of a new translation was raised, which I find ironic considering the fact that there are many King James fans that are not tolerant at all of other versions, and the start of the version began when talking about religious toleration. They did not make a new translation but a revision of the Bishops’ Bible of 1602. Greek and Hebrew scholars were selected and divided into six working companies and each company was given detailed instructions and was assigned selected books to be translated and the work of each company was sent to and reviewed by the other companies. It was the product of no one individual or group but the reviewers as a whole. When the first copies of this new edition were printed it was dedicated to the king and on the title page was written, “Appointed to be read in Churches.” Accompanying this was a preface entitled, “The Translators to the Reader.” The translators sought to justify their efforts against those that felt their old Bibles were good enough and there was no need for another. It is too bad this is no longer printed in most editions of the King James, especially for those who are always opposing new translations. The King James has been modernized considerably over the years. There have been so many changes that the King James reader of today would be startled by the appearance of the 1611 edition. The King James was produced in the period of Elizabethan prose and poetry, the age of Shakespeare, thus the style. Eighty percent of Tyndale’s translation is preserved today in the King James. For years, it has maintained great supremacy, so great that it has caused people to regard it as the final word on Bible translation, but no translation is ever final because translators are human beings and there will always be room for improvements and language changes are constant. A translator can only work in the light of the knowledge of his time with materials available to him and put his translation into words spoken by his own generation. The majority of modern day people do not understand Shakespeare, so how can they understand the King James that is written in that style? In the King James there are expressions that are no longer in use today and although they can be understood, they are difficult for the modern reader. Some words used then mean something different than they do today. The English translation had to start somewhere, and it did not start with the King James, and the King James is not even a translation of the original languages, it is a revision of a revision of a revision, and I cannot find solid reasons as to why so many people find it to be the only version that is okay to read. Contrary to claims, the New King James is not the first major revision of the King James. There are the Revised Version, the American Standard, the Revised Standard, and the New Revised Standard. No translation is perfect for everyone. There are translations made on a word-for-word principle and others made on a sense-for-sense. Every translation has its pros and cons. None of the major translations are so bad and no Greek text is so faulty as to lead one away from “the lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world.” That is a great deal of information I just gave on the subject and I tried to keep it short. I highly recommend reading the book; there is so much to the history of the Bible, and it is much more interesting than I thought it would be. If you know me, you know that I am not that into educational books. I have not decided what Bible to read yet; I still have some research to do.

A young woman named Ashley Weis has been inspiring to me; she encourages and teaches me and others through her words and her love of Jesus. I have no idea why she added me on Facebook, but I thank God that she did. In one of her more recent blogs, she used a quote of Gandhi’s; “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians; they are not like your Christ.”

http://blog.ashleyweis.com/2009/10/i-dont-like-your-christians.html

She went on to talk about things that non-Christians say about Christians, about how we are hypocrites and how we are no different than them in our daily lives, and that becoming a Christian does not seem to change the person. I have been this Christian they speak of. I have cared more about my own comfort and my own pleasures in this world and being in the here and now than I have cared about being a true Christian and following God’s Word, and it is the latter that is the most important overall. The things of this world and these empty things I have cared so much about are not going to matter one day and they are more likely to hurt than help me. Ashley has brought to my attention how desensitized we Christians are to the things around us that should offend us deeply. We often watch movies filled with religious profanities and nudity and never think twice about it. How can we be entertained by these things? Why are our favorite movies full of sin when we profess to love and serve God? Why are these the things we share and enjoy with those we love and care about instead of Jesus?

This video posted on another of Ashley’s blogs really helped open my eyes, and I have been reevaluating all of the things in my life and I am ashamed of what I am finding.

http://blog.ashleyweis.com/2009/10/sometimes-things-smack-you-in-heart.html

The world today is full of far too many distractions and there are far too many ways for Satan to tempt you and to lead you into sinful behaviors that are hard to break. The media fills our heads with opinions and ideas and mindless junk that take away from our being able to focus on what is really important and what God wants from us.

I recently began a discussion about pornography with a friend of mine. Here is a section that I replied back to him with at one time.

I refuse to participate in it any longer because of the ugly truth behind it, not only because of the hurt it causes people, but because I know, without a doubt, that God says no. You said God probably doesn’t want us to view porn, but that it’s been around since the first camera came out and that it’s something that will never go away. Just because it’s there and not going anywhere, I don’t think that makes it okay. You also say my beliefs are not wrong; they are just different from yours. I could break that down into a lot of crazy ways, because if you want to be literal about it then absolutely anything someone else thinks is okay really is okay, but someone else just might not agree with them. Terrible examples are murder, slavery, and sex trafficking. But then comes, well, it’s okay as long as it doesn’t harm someone else in doing it. Watching a porno at home all by my lonesome doesn’t hurt anyone, someone might say. But that’s not true. It can and does. It hurts the people involved with the porn industry, a lot of times the people that you are close to and love and care about, God, and yourself, yourself in ways you may not realize. This is a huge thing in the world of today, the whole you believe this and I believe that and that’s okie dokie, and I do understand where you’re coming from, because I’ve felt the same way before. You do what I call “tweaking.” You might remember me mentioning it in an earlier blog. I feel especially sad for you because you have been doing it for so much longer than me and habits can be so very hard to break, even if you know you should. What the world does is we pick and choose what we want to obey from God. We say, God loves me and I am a nice person and I do nice things, so these things here and there, they don’t really matter. At least I don’t do this or that, because those things are seriously terrible, more terrible than the sort of, kind of bad things I do. Or we just decide, well, I think I like it better this way, it suites me and/or those around me, so I will justify it somehow. And we mainly only do it because it gives us temporary pleasures in life. These things that mean so much here in this world don’t really mean squat overall. The more I have thought about the laws and the commandments God set, the more they make sense. The rules are for good reasons. If everyone followed them, everything would be great! Sexual sin helps spread disease, it leads to many abortions, and so much more. Sins relating to jealousy, lying, stealing, murdering, their effects are more obvious to most people. You say the only one that should judge me is God. You are absolutely right. I have sinned, as everyone does, and God will forgive me if I ask (and repent!) because He sent Jesus to die for me and I have accepted Jesus into my heart, but I have to try to follow Him and His Word, and I have to repent of the sins I have committed. How are fantasies a sin you ask? “You have heard that the Law of Moses says, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust in his eye has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” –Matthew 5:27-28. This is something most people have a great deal of trouble with, including me. Our minds are so warped by media selling sex, sex, sex, that it comes to mind far too easily. “…if you break the smallest commandment and teach others to do the same, you will be the least in the Kingdom of Heaven. But anyone who obeys God’s laws and teaches them will be great in the Kingdom of Heaven. But I warn you – unless you obey God better than the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees do, you can’t enter the Kingdom of Heaven at all!” –Matthew 5:19-20. So if viewing porn is a sin and you not only do it, but tell others it is no big deal, you will be least in the Kingdom of Heaven. And if you don’t even try to follow His laws, then you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven at all. Quite scary to think of. I am so ashamed of how I used to do, I used to teach others so many wrong things; I used to just do it my way. And people might say it makes God mean or bad or however you want to put it, for doing things that way, but He is a just God and considering what He has given us and what He can give to us in eternity with Him, the things of this world and all that mindless entertainment as I’ve heard it put, is just no comparison.

Towards the end of that section, where I mention that I used to teach others so many wrong things, directly and indirectly as a Christian; it bothers me so deeply. I can repent and be forgiven for doing so, but I cannot take it back and I cannot take back what damage I may have caused to the people that received what I said and did. I can only pray that they find the truth and do not carry on with my bad example. Once I wrote a letter speaking of God’s love to a girl that was in one of my high school classes. She cried and she thanked me and I do believe it touched her heart, but now I find myself not only wondering where she is in life right now (she moved away and I cannot locate her) but also wondering what in all exactly did I write in that letter? I hope I kept it strictly about God’s love and did not share Satan’s lies.

This is the first time in these 10 years of claiming to be a Christian that I am actually striving to be a Christian. I have been in a constant struggle with certain issues in my life for the past year or two and sometimes it only seems to be getting worse but this is the first time I have felt underlying all the hurt and anger and doubt a kind of peace. I want to accept what God wants for me, whatever it may be, whether it goes against my own personal desires or not. Some days I feel ready for that and some days I don’t.

I find myself feeling alone in this journey I have started towards God. People do not want to leave their comfort zones and what they are used to. They do not want to give up their sources of entertainment. They do not want to stop indulging in their pleasures, their sins. Come on though, really think about it. What is more important in the end? I guess I would rather be unsatisfied with my social circle now in this life than I would rather pass up on living an eternal life with the Lord. I would rather that every day be a struggle than the alternative.

I feel more ready than I ever have been to be baptized and I hope in doing so I find myself drawn closer to God.

Here are lyrics to 2 songs that have meant a great deal to me recently.

Relient K – Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics

'Cause I don't want you to know where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that.

It’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talked to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. I never should have said that.

It’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that.

It’s the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I’m sorry for the person I became.
I’m sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been only ever made me.

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.

Who I am hates who I've been.

Sanctus Real – Whatever You’re Doing (Something Heavenly)

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender

To whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
And though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
I'm giving in to something Heavenly, something Heavenly

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly, something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

-ladyworpledinker