Worpledinker World: Giving It All to God

I thought about writing this yesterday, but I wasn’t sure if I had enough to say, if I had the right things to say. Basically, I didn’t feel that I was going to do it well enough to even bother trying. I can’t say these feelings have magically disappeared, but now I feel the need to explore them by writing about it anyway.

Yesterday, the pastor asked, are you ready to give full control of your life over to God? My answer is yes. And no. I want that. Even more, I need that. But, I am so used to trying to do things on my own, and trying to control everything in my life. It’s habit, and it’s not easy to let go. Like many people, I can take a problem, and “give it” to God, but later, I still find myself worrying over it, and trying to figure out on my own what to do about it.

Another thing the pastor brought up was our constant tendency to seek out what is going to make everything all right. If I can just find a new job, everything will be all right. If I can just move into a different house and a different neighborhood, everything will be all right. If only this, that, and the other could change, I could change, and everything would be all right. No.

Robert and I were talking one night and he said something about certain changes wouldn’t make me happy, at least not permanently. I told him, no, I know that. I have come to realize that wherever you are, whatever your situation, there is always going to be something that is just out of reach that you think will make you happy. And usually, it will. But, it’s only temporary. The newness of a new house, of a new car, of a new job, it all fades. It all gets old. Even relationships. That “new love” feeling, that burning desire, those “butterflies.” I think that’s what leads a great deal of people to cheat or to split up. Someone new feels good, but it’s likely to only happen again. You’ll always want something new, something different, some change. We’re such selfish beings. We want everything our way. We say, “why me?” if we have one bad day out of one hundred. We whine and complain if someone else has something we don’t. We ignore our many blessings and focus on what we want, want, want, on what we think will make us happy.

What really got me wanting to write about these things is a video I watched this morning. It’s about being God’s masterpiece. For so long, I have let myself feel inferior to others. I compare myself to everyone else around me every day. This is habit too. I have been trying to build a closer relationship with God this past year. I feel like going to this church has helped me a great deal. Like I’ve said before, the pastor’s sermons constantly remind me to reevaluate the things I’m doing in my life, and in others. I know I really do want to join this church by baptism. I know that I really do want to be a part of something, something that really matters. But, I also still feel so inferior.

I have never fit in anywhere else, what makes me think I can fit into this wonderful church and community? They’re not like me. I have too many issues. I can’t measure up to any great enough amount of worth to them. I want to be a part of things; I don’t want to sit and watch in the sidelines and nod my head about how great it all is. But, I can’t do these things. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t know how to participate. And I’m too afraid to try. Those are my thoughts.

I try to keep in mind that the devil will come after me the hardest when I am trying to get closer to God. Well, he has been after me hard for a long time; these feelings are about all I know.

I am so nervous about tomorrow night, about meeting with the pastor to talk about my joining and baptism. I was so nervous when I called him back the other night to set up the time that my hands were shaking. I know there isn’t much, if any, reason to be so nervous. Thinking about it now, I feel like I built up enough courage in myself and faith in God to finally take the plunge to do something more, to come out from my shell a bit, and now Satan is just attacking me. They aren’t going to like you! You’re just setting yourself and everyone else up for disappointment! If you participate you’ll only mess up! If you don’t, they’ll wonder what’s wrong with you that you don’t! You’ll only fail either way! I know I shouldn’t listen, but I have believed these very things for so long.

This video conveys and practically mirrors exactly how I feel. The part about waking up every day and trying to be an adult, that goes really deep with me. I highly recommend watching it.

-ladyworpledinker