Giving It All to God

I thought about writing this yesterday, but I wasn’t sure if I had enough to say, if I had the right things to say. Basically, I didn’t feel that I was going to do it well enough to even bother trying. I can’t say these feelings have magically disappeared, but now I feel the need to explore them by writing about it anyway.

Yesterday, the pastor asked, are you ready to give full control of your life over to God? My answer is yes. And no. I want that. Even more, I need that. But, I am so used to trying to do things on my own, and trying to control everything in my life. It’s habit, and it’s not easy to let go. Like many people, I can take a problem, and “give it” to God, but later, I still find myself worrying over it, and trying to figure out on my own what to do about it.

Another thing the pastor brought up was our constant tendency to seek out what is going to make everything all right. If I can just find a new job, everything will be all right. If I can just move into a different house and a different neighborhood, everything will be all right. If only this, that, and the other could change, I could change, and everything would be all right. No.

Robert and I were talking one night and he said something about certain changes wouldn’t make me happy, at least not permanently. I told him, no, I know that. I have come to realize that wherever you are, whatever your situation, there is always going to be something that is just out of reach that you think will make you happy. And usually, it will. But, it’s only temporary. The newness of a new house, of a new car, of a new job, it all fades. It all gets old. Even relationships. That “new love” feeling, that burning desire, those “butterflies.” I think that’s what leads a great deal of people to cheat or to split up. Someone new feels good, but it’s likely to only happen again. You’ll always want something new, something different, some change. We’re such selfish beings. We want everything our way. We say, “why me?” if we have one bad day out of one hundred. We whine and complain if someone else has something we don’t. We ignore our many blessings and focus on what we want, want, want, on what we think will make us happy.

What really got me wanting to write about these things is a video I watched this morning. It’s about being God’s masterpiece. For so long, I have let myself feel inferior to others. I compare myself to everyone else around me every day. This is habit too. I have been trying to build a closer relationship with God this past year. I feel like going to this church has helped me a great deal. Like I’ve said before, the pastor’s sermons constantly remind me to reevaluate the things I’m doing in my life, and in others. I know I really do want to join this church by baptism. I know that I really do want to be a part of something, something that really matters. But, I also still feel so inferior.

I have never fit in anywhere else, what makes me think I can fit into this wonderful church and community? They’re not like me. I have too many issues. I can’t measure up to any great enough amount of worth to them. I want to be a part of things; I don’t want to sit and watch in the sidelines and nod my head about how great it all is. But, I can’t do these things. I don’t know how. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t know how to participate. And I’m too afraid to try. Those are my thoughts.

I try to keep in mind that the devil will come after me the hardest when I am trying to get closer to God. Well, he has been after me hard for a long time; these feelings are about all I know.

I am so nervous about tomorrow night, about meeting with the pastor to talk about my joining and baptism. I was so nervous when I called him back the other night to set up the time that my hands were shaking. I know there isn’t much, if any, reason to be so nervous. Thinking about it now, I feel like I built up enough courage in myself and faith in God to finally take the plunge to do something more, to come out from my shell a bit, and now Satan is just attacking me. They aren’t going to like you! You’re just setting yourself and everyone else up for disappointment! If you participate you’ll only mess up! If you don’t, they’ll wonder what’s wrong with you that you don’t! You’ll only fail either way! I know I shouldn’t listen, but I have believed these very things for so long.

This video conveys and practically mirrors exactly how I feel. The part about waking up every day and trying to be an adult, that goes really deep with me. I highly recommend watching it.

-ladyworpledinker

I came across this other video shortly after posting this blog and found it to be very fitting.

Join By Baptism

“The e-mission of our church is to exalt Jesus Christ as Lord, evangelize others to know him as Savior, to encourage believers to become equipped and empowered disciples who engage the world with faith, hope and love…and the greatest of these is love.”

This statement is from the sermon today, as well as copied and pasted from the pastor's own blog that he has started doing. I love it! If you'd like to check it out, let me know and I'll give you the link.

I filled out the little paper in the pew today to indicate that I'd like to join the church by baptism. I have been saved for about 10 years, give or take a bit, but I haven't yet been baptized.

I didn't grow up in a church going home and while God was something I had a vague idea of, I didn't much know about Jesus, being born again, or being a Christian.

Then, my best friend, Chasity, brought it up to me one day. Basically, she told me that she loved me and didn't want me to go to Hell. So, I accepted Jesus Christ and joined the church that she attended. It was planned to baptize me in the spring when it was warm again. Some things happened and I no longer went to church with them.

I can't say that I took it very seriously for a long time. I cared a lot more about myself. I still do at times. I was like a lot of people are today. I preached and practiced only what I wanted to. If something didn't particularly fit me or the way I wanted and chose to be, I would work my way around, tweak it, or just simply ignore it. Not to say I'm anywhere near perfect now or anything. Far from it. I know I constantly repeat that, but I just feel the need to stress it and make sure it is known that I'm not claiming to be so. I have been accused of it.

Later on I found my way into a Holiness church. Everyone was so involved, the youth included. It felt good to be included, although I personally wasn't one that participated in some of the bigger things like music or plays. There was no rushing to finish a sermon by 12, no time limit for praise and worship. Sometimes it ended at 12 and sometimes we were there until 2. It was wonderful. There was lots of singing and people would dance and shout. People would gather and lay their hands on each other and pray, mostly aloud. There was speaking in tongues. During that time, I was still dodging the truth and doing my tweaking, but I definitely felt the Lord in my life.

At some point, like it sometimes does, things changed in the church. Some of the same people weren't there anymore. I started going less and less. The last time I attended, there was a young guy that was touched by God, and hands were laid on him and he was prayed for, and I think he may have chosen to accept Jesus into his heart. It was very touching, everyone was moved. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. This guy looked at me when it was nearing an end though, and he asked me, was I going to come back? I said yes. That has been, I don't know, at least 8 years, probably more. And to this day, I still think about it often, and I wonder if I will make the effort to go back and visit some time, if it won't be a lie that I told anymore.

I will announce when I find out when I am going to be baptized. If you'd like to come, I would love and appreciate it so much, it's really important to me, and I have been meaning to do it for so long, so just let me know and I will give you the information.

Today, we sang a hymn called, "When The Roll is Called Up Yonder." I couldn't help but to be tickled by thoughts of non southern people singing it. Here are the lyrics below. Enjoy, God bless, and thank you for reading my blog.

When the trumpet of the Lord shall sound, and time shall be no more,
And the morning breaks, eternal, bright and fair;
When the saved of earth shall gather over on the other shore,
And the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll is called up yonder I’ll be there.

On that bright and cloudless morning when the dead in Christ shall rise,
And the glory of His resurrection share;
When His chosen ones shall gather to their home beyond the skies,
And the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll is called up yonder I’ll be there.

Let us labor for the Master from the dawn till setting sun,
Let us talk of all His wondrous love and care;
Then when all of life is over, and our work on earth is done,
And the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll, is called up yonder,
When the roll is called up yonder I’ll be there.

-ladyworpledinker