His Time, Not Mine

As much as I have avoided doing so, I think it may be in my best interest to let you know this. Robert and me are currently not trying to conceive. We have not been trying since some time in January. Some have asked me how things are going with it, have sent me information, have given me words of encouragement, and I thank you enormously. I have danced around the issue and have not mentioned this though, and I apologize. The fact is with this being said, some of you have questions, questions I don't feel like answering. Like why? Why is not something I want to talk about so openly. It's certainly not what I want to do, not try, of course, but it is the way it is for now. The thing is, I have heard over and over again a lot of what I fear I will hear again from some and all I can really say is, I know! Believe me, I know all too well. While I'm not putting blame or resentment or any kind of negativity towards Robert, so please don't feel that way towards him, I can't make a decision like that without him, he's a part of it too. Everyone has their reasons for choices they have to make and you shouldn't pick them apart and say they are wrong, you aren't them. As you may know and imagine, this is not easy for me. It is so incredibly hard, I wonder how people can function with this ache. Lately, it feels as if every time I turn around a friend, an acquaintance, and people I don't even know are pregnant and a great deal of them already have kids as well, and it feels like a stab in the heart, I won't lie about that. I do feel pain and I have my moments of jealously but I also feel great joy for them as well. It might not be my blessing, but I am happy for others when they get their blessings. As I wrote to a friend in an e-mail recently, and yes, while still not mentioning that we aren't even trying, I think I'm finally accepting what I already know, God will bless me with children in His time, not mine. So I'm kind of trying to just, well, not really forget about it, but not keep it first in my mind so much. I am trying to build a closer relationship with God, I want to give Him my all. It may be that God doesn't intend for me to a mother, as painful as that is to admit, and I want to be okay with whatever God does intend for me, as big and horrible the ache is of wanting what I do. I could be angry and resentful at God and have been many times but I don't want to be, I need God. Like I said, definitely not easy, this is hard stuff. Sometimes I don't feel so sure that I can be okay with just anything God intends for me. So just please say a prayer for me every now and then. Thanks.

-ladyworpledinker