It's So Hard

I wrote this the other night when my mind was too heavy for sleep.

God help me.

God take my pain, take my sorrow. Take all of it. Have it, it's yours.

Now why isn't it that simple?

It's so hard God.

I want you and I need you and I come to you. But it's so hard.

I just wrote down the names of 9 people. God it's so hard.

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be scared.

So hard.

But the same thoughts keep coming. I did it right, I followed the rules. Where's mine?

But I didn't and I don't and I only have myself to blame. God it's so hard.

I don't know how to keep being what I want to be while I'm being what I can't seem to stop being. God help me.

I keep looking for answers and all I can find is another name to add to the list and it's not mine. It's so hard.

What can I do? What should I do? Should I do anything? Nothing? How can I?

My heart has no rest. I know I'm not alone but it's so hard.

I hang onto the hope but where's the peace? I know you'll do what's best and right and supposed to be and when and where and how it's supposed to be.

But I can't find peace in it.

I am weary, can't I rest? No, I don't deserve it. I know that.

Maybe he was right, maybe I am too selfish.

God it's so hard. So hard.

It's so hard.

-ladyworpledinker