I wrote this the other night when my mind was too heavy for sleep.
God help me.
God take my pain, take my sorrow. Take all of it. Have it, it's yours.
Now why isn't it that simple?
It's so hard God.
I want you and I need you and I come to you. But it's so hard.
I just wrote down the names of 9 people. God it's so hard.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be scared.
So hard.
But the same thoughts keep coming. I did it right, I followed the rules. Where's mine?
But I didn't and I don't and I only have myself to blame. God it's so hard.
I don't know how to keep being what I want to be while I'm being what I can't seem to stop being. God help me.
I keep looking for answers and all I can find is another name to add to the list and it's not mine. It's so hard.
What can I do? What should I do? Should I do anything? Nothing? How can I?
My heart has no rest. I know I'm not alone but it's so hard.
I hang onto the hope but where's the peace? I know you'll do what's best and right and supposed to be and when and where and how it's supposed to be.
But I can't find peace in it.
I am weary, can't I rest? No, I don't deserve it. I know that.
Where to begin? I have had this on my mind frequently the last few months.
My childhood. The school part of it.
Let me just say before I go on, I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me and I don't intend to make it sound like it was a complete disaster. I'm just putting it out there plain and simple.
If the persons I speak of read it, so what. Maybe they need to. I'll leave it up to God whether or not they stumble upon it.
I just need to get it off my chest.
If I sound sarcastic here and there, well, that's just me, plus, yes, I still feel somewhat angry about some things.
Chris, I'm sorry I lied to you in elementary school.
I never had a crush on you. It was one of those desperate attempts to fit in. All the other girls had chosen someone to have a crush on and were asking to know mine. I chose one of the few that were left (ouch) and I chose you because I thought you were the best choice out of them (hopefully makes the ouch somewhat better.)
I hope the triumph you felt that day on the bus, when I chose to say that I no longer had a crush on you, was worth it. But of course, you celebrated that moment with Charles.
Charles, I'm sorry I didn't lie to you. I really did have a crush on you. I actually had a friend at this time, Brittany.
Thank you, Brittany.
But I didn't even tell her about the crush on you at first. One day in class a note was passed from you to Brittany. I had this incredible hope that it was one of those "too shy, ask her friend" type deals. Stupid me. You two started "dating" and I didn't say a word. That is, until the Washington, D.C. field trip. I'm not sure why but at some point I spilled the beans to her. Of course, being the wonderful friend she is, she immediately asked me if I wanted her to break up with you and said that I should have told her before. No, I said, of course not. Soon after she did break up with you though. Then one day in the cafeteria, with all us girls at one table, and all you boys at another, the beans were this time pried from me. We won't say a word, they said. We promise, they said. 15 seconds later, you boys were squirming around, gagging, and I remember hearing the word, "gross." I'm sure Chris really felt for you. The fact that you acted as though I were a disease just as much as the rest of them, is what really confused me about the day I got a phone call from you asking me to be your girlfriend. That was when school was out so we didn't see each other until our reign as "greenies." You were very nice to me. You tried to share your french fries with me, you wanted to talk to me, to hold my hand, to actually act like boyfriend and girlfriend in front of everyone else. It was my dream come true. But I was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do with your attention. I was scared of my own shadow, I could hardly function as a person at that time. And so I broke up with you, very harshly, with the words "go to hell" sent via Brittany.
Charles, I sincerely apologize for that.
You might have deserved it along with just about everyone else at the boy table that one day, but not then. It was wrong.
Michael, I want to thank you.
You may have went along with the jokes when they were being made so you could fit in, but you were the only "popular" guy that was nice to me otherwise. You would greet me with a friendly "Hey Beth" sometimes when you sat down at your desk across from me. Those small gestures of kindness meant a lot more to me than you will ever know.
Dean, I'm sorry you had to dance with me at my 13th birthday party.
I know the girls pressured you to because they were trying to be nice and have me dance with someone for my birthday, and the boys pressured you because they didn't want to have to be the one to do it. It was obvious you didn't want to, but thank you all the same.
Joey and Brandon, you two were the worst.
You were the ones always starting it. I hope you've grown up in some major ways.
I pray that every one of you that was cruel to me have learned to treat others the way you want to be treated and that you pass it on to your children and/or others. I also pray for every one of the kids that were/presently are/or are going to be, in those situations like I was.
No one should have to feel so worthless or so alone. No one!
I hope you have some refuge, some shelter from the storm. I had none and I had no one to turn to. School = Bad. Home = Bad. Yeah, that is pretty bad. I'm not placing a bunch of blame on my parents for my home life either. Everyone has problems and they can't control when they come about and only to an extent how they are going to effect someone else.
You might think that I take things too personally, that I let my childhood effect me too much.
