I Won't Fake It

I've been sick 2 times in 3 years. I've always called when I was going to be late, which were only due to car troubles and traffic jams. And I still came in after, I'll say almost, crashing my car that time, because I was asked to. So when you mark off the above, which is very little in my opinion, I am always there when I'm supposed to be and I am always on time. I do not cause trouble, I do not argue, I do not complain. This complaining doesn't count, I'm not on the clock. I do put down any scheduled time off I want/need in the book two weeks prior to the occasion. I do what I am asked. I am courteous, I am respectful, I am an ideal worker. Yet, my birthday wish eluded me. It hasn't been a thing I've constantly wanted in these 3 years, just more recently something I've considered that I could quite possibly get and have come to hope for and want to receive. My birthday is at the beginning of the month and I thought to myself, hey, they haven't announced the new employee of the month yet. Maybe on my birthday they'll finally give it to me! I was very excited about the whole idea, even though it was a little far fetched. The employee of the month is not only given to those in my department, but throughout the whole building of staff. Obviously, I went home on my birthday without the employee of the month award. The very next day I found out that one of my co-worker's had received the award. It might not have been such a big let down to me if someone somewhere else in the building had received it, you know, someone from another department, but someone right there working with me? Oh yeah, and there's the fact that she's only worked there 1 year. I am not saying that she is not employee of the month material. She is very good with residents and she's very sociable. She does her job and she does it well. I was very shocked to hear what she doesn't do just the other day though. We have a lot of team players in our department as well as having a lot of non team players. I am a helper, I like to help others when I have the chance. There are certain things that I always help with when I work. They are not in my job description but I have nothing else to do at that time and there's no reason to just stand around or go sit down at that time. Helping someone else speeds along the whole process for everyone. She does help sometimes, not excessively, but she does. She does my shift when I'm not working sometimes though and I was told that she doesn't help in any of the ways I do, at all. She either stands around waiting to be able to do her next set of things or she goes into the office and talks on the phone the whole time. This is like half an hour or more, it depends. Oh yes, and she does talk on the phone a lot. Actually, this morning she was on the phone most of the first hour she came into work. Like I said though, she is very sociable. She strikes up conversations with people all the time, including the boss, who I believe is one who helps choose employee of the month. If you know me and I mean really know me, you know that I don't just strike up conversations, at least not with people I don't know really well. I can be shy and people label me as a quiet person, although my mother and my husband tend to disagree. I am very observant around other people and I've realized during this time at work that everyone seems to start most conversations by bringing private matters up, just like that. I just don't do that. If someone talks to me I converse back with them. I certainly don't mind, I do like to talk. What I'm getting at is what I believe to be the reason why I have not been given employee of the month and never will. I'm not a social butterfly, as some may call it. I mostly stay to myself and I listen a lot more than I talk. It's not like I'm some scared little zombie walking around in there though. I greet people, I'm civil, I smile, I converse if someone converses with me. This is just how I am. Sure, I could change. But that would mean faking it. I am not being what someone else would rather me be. I couldn't count the times someone has laughed and asked if I were always so quiet and then preceded to say they would like to take me out and get me drunk so I would talk. That really irritates me. If you want me to talk, how about talking to me? It seems like a good and simple place to start! How about I'm not so quiet? How about all of them are just too loud and need to shut up sometimes!? My reason for believing this is why I can never win employee of the month is not something I can easily explain, you would have to know my boss and there is certainly no explaining her. I can just imagine what she would say if I asked her why I haven't received the award. It would be something along the lines of I'm not outgoing enough, which would all translate into the fact that I'm not super talkative and don't spill my guts to co-workers and strangers. I also believe the generation gap has something to do with it cause one of my other co-workers has been working there about 2 years and she is an amazing worker and hasn't received employee of the month. We are the youngest two there, I'm the baby. It seems because we don't have things to schmooze about with the boss, it makes us not worthy of much of anything special in the boss's eyes. It actually really hurts my feelings. I have struggled really hard with loving myself growing up. I used to always feel so inferior to other people, I was brutally emotionally abused, especially by my peers. I can't seem to remember a great deal of my childhood and I believe the hard times I had to be part of it. I still can't seem to find a place to really fit in after all of that and the growing up and learning I have done so far. I guess I don't need to feel that I fit in as much as I would like to feel I am accepted. If I can't have the employee of the month award for being me then I suppose I don't really want it. I won't fake it! I know my childhood doesn't have much to do with work, I'm not playing the blame game or anything, I know that whatever happens to me, what my actions and choices are, are what matters most in the end. That just got mixed in somehow. I needed to vent about this badly. Oh, I could go on about work for so long! But...I have better things to do! :o)

NOTE: The co-worker that I mentioned as being an amazing worker for 2 years and not receiving employee of the month...well, she finally got it! For the month of July. I'm surprised that they chose someone from the same department twice in a row. I'm very happy for her! She has deserved it for a long time! YAY!

-ladyworpledinker